Introduction

Laura Munson's essay in the New York Times, about the time she was tested in a way she never anticipated, created a firestorm-now here's the whole story.

When Laura Munson's essay was published, The New York Times was so flooded with responses that they had to close down the comment feature. Readers wrote in saying that they had sent the column to all of their friends. Therapists wrote Munson to tell her that they were passing it out to their clients.

What did Munson write that caused such a fervor?

Laura detailed what happened when her husband of more than twenty years told her he wasn't sure he loved her anymore and wanted to move out. And while you might think you know where this story is going, this isn't the story you think it is. Laura's response to her husband: I don't buy it.

In this poignant, wise, and often funny memoir, Munson recounts a period of months in which her faith in herself-and her marriage-was put to the test. Shaken to the core after the death of her beloved father, not finding the professional success that she had hoped for, and after countless hours of therapy, Laura finally, at age forty, realized she had to stop basing her happiness on things outside her control and commit herself to an "End of Suffering." This Is Not The Story You Think It Is... chronicles a woman coming to terms with the myths we tell ourselves-and others-about our life and realizing that ultimately happiness is completely within our control.

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Excerpt

Laura Munson's essay for the Modern Love column in The New York Times:

LET’S say you have what you believe to be a healthy marriage. You’re still friends and lovers after spending more than half of your lives together. The dreams you set out to achieve in your 20s — gazing into each other’s eyes in candlelit city bistros when you were single and skinny — have for the most part come true. ... view entire excerpt...

Discussion Questions

From the Author:

I have had many inquiries about Book Group questions and appearances, and have compiled some of the more evocative questions asked to me by interviewers on my book tour, here. If you would like to arrange a Skype or phone Book Group appearance, please contact me at my website. Thanks for all your support. I believe "This Is Not The Story You Think It Is” will make for great Book Group discussions. You can also use these questions on your own, regardless of whether or not you’re in a Book Group. I hope these help.

Q 1: Why do you think the book is called "This Is Not The Story You Think It Is?" What is the story we "think it is?"

Q 2: How do our reactions in life set the tone for how people perceive us? What does the concept of not engaging drama mean to you? How are we more, or less, powerful when we fight or resist what comes at us? How can it be powerful to deliberately choose to not engage drama?

Q 3: What are the destructive thoughts in your mind that you allow in and even court? How would it help you to name that destructive voice and decide to systematically, moment by moment, sometimes breath by breath, exile it? If you were to give those thoughts a name, like Laura’s "evil twin sister Sheila," what would it be?

Q 4: Laura's therapist, and many of the books she was reading, suggests that the end of suffering comes with the end of wanting. "There is a big difference between wanting and creating." (p. 3) What does the difference between wanting and creating mean to you?

Q 5: How could you personally implement the "End of Suffering" lifestyle that Laura Munson espouses? Where is the suffering in your life and how has it become your normal, even in its smallest forms?

Q 6: Why do you think Laura gives the reader and herself the challenge not to take sides at the beginning? Where do we get when we involve ourselves in victim/victor relationships? In reading the book, were you able to take that challenge?

Q 7: After meeting with career failure for so long and measuring her personal happiness on things outside her control, what do you think returning to Italy symbolized for Laura? What are some of the results that you’ve wanted to create in your life, that are achievable and within your control, and yet haven’t granted yourself? Why do we make the choice to deprive ourselves of the dreams that are within our control?

Q 8: Throughout the memoir, the author leaves blanks for readers to fill in with their own thoughts and experiences (unfulfilled dreams, weight issues, etc). What did you fill in the blanks with when she asked, "What’s your Italy?"

Q 9: The author has two young children. Do you think her experience as a mother influenced how she handled the crisis with her husband?

Q 10: Why do you think Laura didn't confide in many friends or family during this time? When is self-preservation a quiet matter and when is it a vocal matter?

Q 11: What is the power that lies in not taking things personally, even when they're meant personally? What words would you tolerate from a loved one? When do words become just words and how is it possible to not give them power, even when they are hurtful?

Q 12: Laura talks about working with the present moment as a life line-- what you can own, control, create, and surrender. What are the ways you could choose to preserve your well-being during a crisis? What does "living in the moment" mean to you? What does "letting go" mean to you?

Q 13: Laura writes that "sometimes happiness is just one small step outside of suffering." How do you define happiness?

Q 14: There are many myths busted in this book. The Happily-ever-after myth. The My career-success defines my self-worth myth. The I'm Golden myth. How do Laura’s experiences over the course of the memoir change the way she looks at these myths? Name some of the myths that you’ve bought into throughout your life.

Q 15: Toward the end of the book, (p. 307) Laura's husband apologizes to her. After this apology, she has an inner tantrum of sorts in which her "evil twin sister Sheila" attacks and says that his apology is not good enough and that she should reject it. Why do you think she doesn't heed that call?

Q 16: She ends that chapter with "We've been happy and unhappy together. It seems important to know how to do both." How can we re-frame our minds to see that crisis, breakdowns, and distance are inherent, normal, and even necessary components of any relationship, namely that with one's self…and that they do not have to threaten our personal well-being? Is happiness really a choice?

Q 17: Laura Munson wrote this memoir as she lived it. How would "This Is Not The Story You Think It Is" be different if Laura had written it long after the events took place?

Q 18: What do you think the central theme is of this book?

Weblinks

»	Publisher's Book Info
»	Author Laura Munson's web site
»	Reviews
»	Laura Munson on Facebook
»	Laura Munson on Twitter

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