BKMT READING GUIDES
Love Shrinks: A Memoir of a Marriage Counselor's Divorce
by Sharyn Wolf
Hardcover : 256 pages
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Introduction
For twenty years, Sharyn Wolf, a practicing psychotherapist and "relationship expert," has helped revitalize the marriages of countless couples. But while she was being interviewed on Oprah and 48 hours to talk about her nationally bestselling books that instructed millions on how to flirt, find mates, and "stay lovers for life," she was going home every night to a dark secret: a totally failed marriage of her own to a good man she just couldn't leave.
In Love Shrinks, Sharyn tells the mindbending--and yet deeply relatable--story of her (third!) marriage. In anecdotes that range from poignant to horrifying to side-splittingly funny to heart-rending, she explains how it is possible for two good people to make each other totally miserable and yet still be unable to leave. In fifteen years of marriage, she and her husband had sex twice. Despite the fact that Sharyn was a national bestselling self-help author, her husband couldn't bring himself to read a single one of her books. Communication between them had failed so utterly that the simple domestic activity of buying a couch together escalated to disastrous proportions. Yet through it all, they stay together--even though neither one knows why. Sharyn ends each chapter with a touching story of why she could never bear to leave this man who made her so unhappy.
Painted against the backdrop of her psycotherapy practice, real-life illustrative cases of her patients, and the wacky story of career trajectory, Sharyn turns her analytical eye on herself and her husband and deftly depicts a marriage on its long last legs. The result is this beautiful and sad tapestry of a hidden and omnipresent human condition. You will not be able to put her book down.
Excerpt
Chapter 1I Have a 999-Crane Marriage
My patient Danny has taken up origami. Lately, when I step into my waiting room
to invite him into my office, he is bent over like Pinocchio’s father, manipulating small, colorful pieces of paper into his expressionistic menagerie. Last week he offered me an exquisitely articulated turtle. Today, he lifted his head to reveal a psychedelic crane. ...
view entire excerpt...
Discussion Questions
From the publisher:1. Do you think Sharyn Wolf's marriage was a mistake?
2. Do you find Sharyn likable? Do you find her husband likable? Whom did you find more sympathetic, and why?
3. Do you think Sharyn really tried to save her marriage, or was she just going through motions? Could her marriage have been saved? What do you think would have had to happen to save the marriage?
4. Was there a turning point in the marriage? Where do you think it was?
5. Is it possible for two people to belong together for part of their lives, but not for all their lives? Or do you think a divorce is a sign of a marriage that was never meant to be? What does it mean when people say they've outgrown each other?
6. What part do you think Sharyn's childhood sexual abuse played in her marriage? What do you think stopped her from asking for help? Do you think a history of sexual abuse makes it difficult to achieve a fully-formed relationship? Why or why not?
7. Sharyn writes that her friends didn't believe her when she said her marriage was floundering. Why do you think we hide our true selves from others? Have you ever had a similar experience?
8. Did the author see the true nature of her husband before she married him? If you think she didn't, what do you think she was missing? If you think she did, why do you think she married him anyway? What do you think are the most important things to understand about a prospective spouse before committing to them?
9. Do you believe that a difficult childhood can make a good therapist, or do you think childhood wounds put a limit on how far a therapist can go?
10. What thoughts and feelings did you have when Sharyn tried to report child sexual abuse? Have you had any experience with this system, and if yes, what did you discover?
11. What do you think a therapist's responsibility to a patient like Morris is? If a doctor does not have empathy for a patient, should they refer the patient elsewhere?
Notes From the Author to the Bookclub
Note from author Sharyn Wolf: Love Shrinks is the story of a marriage counselor—me—who can’t keep her own marriage together. My husband and I couldn’t cooperate to buy furniture. We rarely shared a meal. We only had sex three times in thirteen years. Still we held on, two good people locked in a bad marriage. Love Shrinks interweaves the stories of my patients and of my marriage, and tells of the complicated journey to leave my husband—whom, in many ways and despite it all, I still loved. It was risky for me to write Love Shrinks. Therapists listen. We don’t tell. I invite you to join in this complicated journey to leave my marriage where I interweave stories of my patients with my own, where I do tell why love isn’t always meant to last a lifetime. I hope that when readers take this journey with me, they might find resonance in my story, and perhaps some of their own healing.Book Club Recommendations
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