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Marriage Shock: The Transformation of Women into Wives
by Dalma Heyn
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Marriage, as we are told, makes a woman complete, more womanly. Why, then, do so many brides ...
Introduction
Relationship expert Dalma Heyn asks not what is good for marriage but what is good for women in marriage--a question, she finds, that promises a much different answer and more fulfilling lives
Attacking the pervasive cultural myths that ask a wife to choose between her marriage and her own growth and self-expansion, Marriage Shock explores the ways in which wives can overcome deeply ingrained social and personal expectations and flourish both as wives and as individuals.
This ebook features a new introduction by Dalma Heyn and an illustrated biography including rare photos from the author's personal collection.
About the book as a club pick:
Anyone interested in the changes that occur when women get married will greatly enjoy and benefit from Marriage Shock. Filled with fascinating statistics, and personal anecdotes shared through Dalma Heyn’s engaging, relatable voice, the book resonates with any woman who has ever wondered what makes a marriage work. In the author’s own words, “I’m never saying women shouldn’t get married. Get married—but know that the history of marriage has different effects on women than men. Know that it is a male institution. Know that it was created at a particular point in time to be a place of safety for women but good for men and children. Know what to do when you start feeling the pressures of being a wife.”
"Heyn's candor and clarity are exhilarating. [She] is deliciously brave."—Houston Chronicle
"Extremely provocative . . . lucid, well-written, and convincing."—Elle
"I recently had the opportunity to read Marriage Shock and was absolutely riveted by this insightful treatise on what happens to women's identities after marriage. The book made me aware of psychological phenomena peculiar to married women in which I have unwittingly participated for the last 14 years.”—Amazon.com Reviewer
Excerpt
Good Riddance, Good WifeAn essay by bestselling author Dalma Heyn
Good Riddance, Good Wife
By Dalma Heyn
In 1942, when she was forty-nine and at the peak of her career, Virginia Woolf addressed a group of professionals about the “phantom” who threatened to ruin her writing, that “utterly unselfish” being called a “wife”—a construct created over a century earlier by a culture that needed wives to be happy about trussing turkeys and cleaning chimneys all day, and which maintained that womanly chores were precisely what real women liked doing the most. That and welcoming their husbands home from the brutal workplace; taking care of children, the elderly, and the sick; and just being morally perfect. The cloying goodness of this made-up domestic icon known as the “wife” menaced the integrity of Woolf’s work. As she wrote then: I turned upon her and caught her by the throat. I did my best to kill her. My excuse, if I were to be had up in a court of law, would be that I acted in self-defense. Had I not killed her she would have killed me. She would have plucked the heart out of my writing. ... view entire excerpt...
Discussion Questions
Note from Dalma Heyn:Marriage is changing in a lot of ways. Men are being asked to be more skillful in marriage in terms of being more intimate. A lot of the dynamics have shifted; what remains the same, however, is the imperative for a wife to be a good wife, and selfless, and giving, and nurturing—and that becomes very hard for a woman who is also a CEO. The history of marriage has different effects on women than men. This is what I discuss deeply in Marriage Shock. Why are over two thirds of all divorces initiated by wives? Why is depression so common wives? Explore these questions (and possible solutions) in this book.
Notes From the Author to the Bookclub
A Biography of Dalma Heyn Dalma Heyn is a New York Times bestselling author and psychotherapist who has worked for twenty-five years to help women develop the best possible intimate relationships, while still flourishing as individuals. Her books, which explore the loss of self that many women experience within marriage, have been lauded as revolutionary. Born in New York, Dalma Heyn grew up in a vibrant household that encouraged self-expression. Her father, Ernest Heyn, was the founding editor of Modern Screen and Sport magazines, and her mother, Ethel Kenyon Heyn, was an actress and a writer for Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer. Heyn attended Northwestern University and graduated from the University of Southern California, where she studied psychology and English. She began her career as an articles editor at Redbook and later rose to editor in chief at Health. But it was her job as executive editor and staff writer at McCall’s that sparked in her a new interest in women and relationships, and Heyn left the magazine to become a fulltime writer. In 1982, she became a monthly sex and advice columnist at Mademoiselle. For eight years her blunt, often exhortative columns struck a chord with readers, and women across the country wrote to her to express their most intimate, secret thoughts about love and sex, as well as their yearnings for fulfillment in marriage. In 1990, she left Mademoiselle and began writing the column “Smart Sex” for New Woman. A year later, in September of 1991, she married Richard Marek, former editor and publisher of E.P. Dutton. Speaking of her relationship with Marek in a contribution to the “Vows” section of the New York Times, she noted that “certain deep parts of us, once ragged around the edges, have slowly mended . . . To have the power to literally heal each other is one of the profoundest effects of commitment.” Through her readers and extensive, intimate interviews with women of all ages, Heyn discovered that a huge number of women struggled in their marriages—and that she was able to communicate that struggle in a way that women themselves found difficult to articulate. To better respond to the hundreds of women who sought out her counsel, Heyn completed a master’s degree in social work in 2001 at New York University. As an author, cultural critic, and myth-buster, Heyn has spoken with thousands of women and men in relationships, inspiring her to document what she sees as a failure within society and the institution of marriage to encourage a woman’s personal fulfillment. In 1992, she published her first book, The Erotic Silence of the American Wife, about married women, adultery, and modern society’s rejection of female sexuality within marriage. The book draws heavily on Heyn’s extensive, intimate first-person interviews with real women who are contemplating, committing, and acknowledging their affairs. Early feminist leaders such as Gloria Steinem and other cultural critics praised the book as “provocative” and “revolutionary.” Heyn continued to explore the impact of the institution of marriage on modern women in Marriage Shock: The Transformation of Women into Wives (1997). Her most recent book, Drama Kings: The Men Who Drive Strong Women Crazy (2006), examines the ways in which strong women can overcome an attraction to emotionally unavailable men and instead focus on finding the romantic relationships they really want. Heyn’s books remain popular in the United States and around the world and have been published in more than thirty countries. A sought-after speaker and commentator, she has appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show, Today, The Charlie Rose Show, and Good Morning America, among other programs. She produces a regionally broadcast television show, The Love Goddess Show, and can be found online at dalmaheyn.net and thelovegoddess.com. She lives in Westport, Connecticut.Book Club Recommendations
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