I?m dreaming of a Serge Christmas . . .
Palm trees with twinkle lights . . .
Santa's big belly protruding over a neon Speedo . . .

It's ho, ho, ho time in this hilarious and wacky Florida holiday tale, featuring bighearted psychopath Serge Storms and his sidekick, Coleman. Like Santa, Serge knows who's been naughty and who's been nice. Few can give with the generosity and creativity of Serge, and as December 24 rolls around, he is filling up the Serge sleigh with an unforgettable bag of presents.

But before that, it's all a big free-range Christmas office party, where Serge will be spreading his special cheer. And there's that last-minute go-for-broke spree at the mall (just beware of those attacking elves?they bite). While you?re there, skip the lame photo on Santa's lap?Serge will give you a lap ride you?ll never forget. As for that addled elf Coleman, there's nothing like a white Christmas. Let it snow!

So grab a six-pack, spike the eggnog, and hit the dunes on the beach as Serge and Coleman roast some nuts on an open fire and prove that reindeer really do know how to fly!

Season's Greetings! It's me, Serge! Don?t you just hate these form letters people stuff in Christmas cards? Nothing screams ?you?re close to my heart? like a once-a-year Xerox. Plus, all the lame jazz that's going on in their lives. ?Had a great time in Memphis.? ?Bobby lost his retainer down a storm drain.? ?I think the neighbors are dealing drugs.? But this letter is different. You are special to me. I?m just forced to use a copy machine and gloves because of advancements in forensics. I love those TV shows!

Has a whole year already flown by? Much to report! Let's get to it!

Number One: I ended a war.

You guessed correct, the War on saying ?Merry Christmas!? instead of ?Happy Holidays!? When I first heard about it, I said to Coleman, ?That's just not right! We must enlist!? I rushed to the front lines, running downtown yelling ?Merry Christmas? at everyone I saw. And they?re all saying ?Merry Christmas? back. Hmmm. That's odd: Nobody's stopping us from saying ?Merry Christmas.? Then I did some research, and it turns out the real war is against people saying, ?Happy Holidays.? The nerve: trying to be inclusive. So, everyone ... Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Good times! Soul Train! Purple mountain majesties! The Pompatus of Love!

There. War over. And just before it became a quagmire.

Next: Decline of Florida Roundup.

They tore down the Big Bamboo Lounge near Orlando. Where was everybody on that one?

Remember the old ?Big Daddy's? lounges around Florida with the logo of that bearded guy? They?re now Flannery's or something.

They closed the 20,000 Leagues ride at Disney World. And opened Buzz Lightyear. I offered to bring my own submarine. Okay, actually threatened, but they only wanted to discuss it in the security office. I've been doing running lately at theme parks.

But let's not get hung up on the negative. It's the holidays after all, so it was time to head back to Tampa. Because hiding out from the cops on your home turf during the season is always a warm-and-fuzzy. The malls have changed?when did yogurt go to five bucks?

In advance: Happy New Year! (Unlike the cruddy last one),

Serge A. Storms

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