Introduction

Christine Hartmann's mother valued control above all else, yet one event appeared beyond her command: the timing of her own death. Not to be denied there either, two decades in advance Irmgard Hartmann chose the date on which to end her life. And her next step was to tell her daughter all about it. For twenty years, Irmgard maintained an unwavering goal, to commit suicide at age seventy. She managed her chronic hypertension, stayed healthy and active, and lived life to the fullest. Meanwhile, Christine fought desperately against the decision. When Irmgard wouldn't listen, the only way to remain part of her life was for Christine to swallow her mother's plans--hook, line, and sinker.

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Excerpt

When my mother and I talked about her plans, the conversations frequently repeated themselves. I knew she was serious, and I thought long and hard about the most logical arguments I could make to try and dissuade her. But she had a response for everything.

Me: “Killing yourself would be unfair to Warner and me.”

Irmgard: “You only think that now. When the time comes, you’ll be relieved you don’t need to care for an incontinent, senile old woman.”

Me: “You are healthy and would live healthily much past seventy.”

Irmgard: “That may be true, but I don’t want to take any chances. It’s always better to leave a party early, when no one wants you to go, than to stay until you’re kicked out.”

Me: “I cannot, or at the very least do not want to, live without you, and ending your life prematurely will deprive us of wonderful experiences we can have together.”

Irmgard: “We can work on having wonderful experiences now. It has to end sometime.”

Me: “Killing yourself is selfish.”

Irmgard: “Yes, I’m doing this for myself. But I’m also doing it for both of you. You are too young to understand, but someday you’ll be glad I did it this way.”

Me: “You can wait until you are really sick and do it then.”

Irmgard: “If I thought I would have all my wits about me no matter what happens to my body, I’d do that. But you never know how it’s going to happen. I could have a stroke and then have dementia, or become a vegetable, or lose the ability to move my arms, and then it would be too late to take matters into my own hands. I’m not a risk taker.”

Me: “I love you. Please don’t do it.”

Irmgard: “I love you and have the highest respect for you, Tina. But I’m going to do it anyway.”

Invariably, she held her ground. And when we talked, at the end of our discussion I usually circled back toward the same question: “When?”

“Do you really want to know?” my mother would ask slowly. She would look at me with compassion. I could sense that some small part of her knew that, while this decision gave her a sense of ultimate peace, it inflicted upon me terrible pain.

“No,” I said softly. She was correct. “I don’t want to know exactly when. It’s before seventy, but not any time soon, right? It’s not for years, right?”

“No, Tina, not for years.”

My mother’s plan originated with her sense of the precariousness of health and life. Believing she had some measure of control calmed her. But she was dragging me, an unwilling participant, into a process about which she did not want to engage in meaningful dialogue. For her own reasons, she wanted me to know of her plans but to stand as a detached observer, regarding her preparations as if looking through a window, untouched and uninvolved.

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Discussion Questions

From the author:

1) What emotions did you feel while reading So Far Away? Did any of your reactions surprise you?

2) Love between parents and children is a strong theme in the book. In what ways did Irmgard and Hans show their love for Tina? In what ways did Tina show her love for her parents?

3) What was the significance of the discussions Hans and Tina had about his moving to a retirement community? Why did they not agree on this subject? How did their feelings change over time?

4) A moment of understanding comes when Tina perceives "the insidious baggage my family had handed down from generation to generation." In what ways is this realization true? How were Tina's parents influenced by their pasts? How did the past shape Tina's own actions?

5) What ethical and moral dilemmas did Tina face in the book? How did she cope with them? What do you imagine you would have done in her place?

6) Debates about physician assisted suicide are often in the news these days. How were Irmgard's actions similar to and/or different from the content of these debates?

Weblinks

»	Publisher's Book Info
»	Author Christine Hartman's web site

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