Introduction

Donny and Ursula Save the World is the funniest book about love, sex and GMO seeds you’ll ever read! In this wild-romp, sex-charged, romantic-mishap adventure, hopelessly mismatched lovers, Donny and Ursula, become unlikely heroes compelled beyond their mere neurotic existences. When an agribusiness giant threatens to control the world’s food supply through their toxic, terror-proof, GMO Freedom Seeds, Donny and Ursula team up with guerrilla gardeners, belly dancing feminists, gun-crazy survivalists, comic book heroes and mushroom messengers to become the outlaw defenders of Mother Earth, and rise up and save the day. This is the story of one woman’s seismic awakening, and how she came to save us all.

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Excerpt

2 | URSULA

When Ursula turned off the music, she heard a very loud, very insistent banging. Peeved at whoever it was who needed her so urgently he had to nearly break down the door, she chinga-chinga-chinga’d and swish-swished across the floor of the living room to answer whoever the bejeezus it was. She had taken up belly dancing as a way to locate her misplaced feminine, and every sparkly coin that hung from every angle or mound of her jangled as she walked—part shuffle, part float.

She didn’t notice that she was twirling her hair around her finger the closer she got to the banging door. She wore her dirty-blonde hair in odd little ponytails that stuck out in irregular directions from the globe of her head in a sort of post-modern Farina do. Some were shorter, some longer—all this hiding a tiny bald spot on the side of her head where she habitually pulled hairs out from excessive twirling.

Before she opened the door, she stood before it, palms out, eyes shut, to see if she could “feel” who was on the other side. Even when the banging turned into that overly cutesy bum-bum-pa-bump, she still couldn’t tell. So she opened the door to find Donny examining the paper taped over the doorbell that read DO NOT RING BELL.

“Oh, hi, it’s you,” Ursula said, relieved that it wasn’t some fanatic trying to sell her the all-purpose cleaner of religion. She didn’t know how she felt about Donny standing at her door, although she was a bit impressed that he was able to find her, or cared to. It showed initiative. Cleverness. She liked good survival skills in a man.

“Is your doorbell out of order?” he asked.

“No,” she said flatly. She just stood there.

“I guess maybe you’re surprised to see me,” he said, filling in the awkward space between them.

“Come in,” Ursula said, finally. “I’d offer you something to eat, but I’m only juicing right now.” She walked a few steps ahead of him into the house. “Something to drink?”

“Coffee or Coke,” Donny replied, following her in.

As they stepped inside, he was assaulted by the piercing, acrid smell that captured the air. People’s houses always have an odor particular to them, and frankly he was not one to judge… but yeesh. Was she pickling some dead animal?

Ursula, aware of his awareness, quickly swished off to the kitchen. She didn’t want to be gone too long. Donny held his ketchup-scented fingers up to his nose until he acclimated to the foul air. He casually inspected all the books, artwork, and figurines in her living room, looking for some commonality to bring up in conversation. She seemed to be a world traveler. And she seemed to like figures of cats. That’s good. He liked cats. He noticed the orange tabby sunning in the corner. Maybe that was the stink, though he was familiar enough with unattended cat boxes to know it wasn’t. She had a lot of healthy looking plants growing by the windows. Not something they had in common.

She returned in no time, placing a frothy, fluorescent green drink in his hand. “I usually use spinach,” she said, “but apparently it’s all tainted with bacteria, and it’s been pulled off the shelves at the co-op, so I’m using lots more wheatgrass. I only buy local.”

This nuance of ingredients mattered not to him. He’d eaten all manner of disgusting things on a dare—tequila worms, menudo, prairie oysters—but he’d never put anything in his mouth this color on purpose. If it were radioactive, it would melt the glass, right?

Who is this woman? he asked himself, as she leaned over to place the frothy devil-drink on the coffee table. She was odder than he expected, and certainly more unexpected than any woman he had known. But he liked odd. And even though she had not much in the way of breasts, those jangly coins at her ankles were a real turn on.

“Chew your juice, and juice your food,” she told him. She demonstrated masticating each mouthful 40 times. “This stimulates the digestive juices to break down the meal, while at the same time giving your organs a rest. According to Sheerah. She’s my teacher.”

This woman is out of her mind, he thought, holding his breath against the green fumes. But he just smiled and nodded.

“Cows contribute over 20% of the methane gas of the world, and it takes 167 pounds of grass to feed each cow. Wouldn’t it be a whole lot simpler just to eat the grass?” Ursula offered.

“I’ve read that it’s actually the methane gas from all the dinosaur poop released from beneath the defrosting tundra that’s going to do this planet in…” he replied, rattling off anything to avoid putting the sludge to his lips. “And a medium-sized dog has a larger carbon footprint than a Toyota Land Cruiser.”

She couldn’t help but laugh. “That may be so, but Americans eat 20 million burgers a day. Between clear cutting the forests to create the pastures, and the industrial farms that grow the lettuce and tomatoes… if we all just stopped, we might save our planet in time.”

Donny nodded, glad he’d left the ketchup stained pants in the trunk. He kept on nodding like a stupid bobble-head until there was nothing left to do but take a drink. She looked at him encouragingly. Something about her look, hopeful and sincere, set off a twinkle inside him—more like a rush of a twinkle—and suddenly he found himself raising the glass up to the air, toasting.

“To the planet,” he said, and tossed it back.

He smiled, nodded, chewing at nothing, which was really just him biting the stuff back from being projectile vomited all across her living room. She watched him intently for his reaction. He continued to chew, his throat refusing to take it down.

He’s thinking, I must look like such an idiot.

She’s thinking, He’s really savoring it.

Nothing he tells himself will get his throat to open to this crap. And the longer he waits the worse it gets, the vile drink just sitting there in oral constipation, contaminating his taste buds. He’d rather be sucking on the dinosaur poop.

She’s never seen a man appreciate the subtle flavors of his food in this way before. She beamed a smile of admiration at him that caught him off guard; and, for just an instant, his face softened in response, creating the opening he’d been looking for. Down it went. His eyes bugged open and flared. My God, that’s bad! Oh, what he wouldn’t do for the burn of scotch right now!

“You like it?” she asked. “Not many people can handle that, believe me. I think it’s better with the spinach.”

“No, this was good.” The words squeezed hoarsely through his constricted throat.

“I honestly didn’t think you were that kind of guy.” She smiled.

So he knew he had to finish the whole damned thing. Which he did. Shudders convulsed through his entire body, but he tried not to show it. He slammed his glass down hard, in a big finish.

“Well, thanks for stopping by, but I really have to get back to my practice,” she said abruptly, getting up from the couch.

She couldn’t have said that before?

He asked her to go out the next night. “Out,” he said with emphasis. She said she had this sort-of-a-class she went to.

“Maybe another time?” he asked.

“Maybe,” she said.

After the door closed behind him, he wrote down the number 3 on a small piece of paper he pulled from his pocket—which represented the number of weeks he thought it would take to get her to bed. He smiled at how easy this odd one would be, but resolved never to go to her house hungry.

On her side of the door, she stood there, twirling her hair, thinking, I like this guy. Then she stiffened. Oh, no, not again. view abbreviated excerpt only...

Discussion Questions

1. Donny and Ursula Save the World uses humor to explore some pretty serious subjects; the end of the world, the corporate control of food, women who are missing out on the fun of being fully human. Can we really joke about such things? What is the value or purpose of humor? How was it used in telling this story?

2. What were your favorite moments in the story? What was something new you didn’t know before?

3. Who were your favorite characters, and why? Do you see yourself in any of them?

4. The playful premise of Donny and Ursula Save the World is that Eros, that shimmering spark of life force, underlies and motivates all human behavior. Not just sexual expression, but it motivates curiosity, and fuels the excitement and desire that can lead to action. Or, it can dissolve fear. How were each of the characters in this book motivated by their Eros, desire, or passion? Where has your passion led you in your life?

5. “THIS is the story of an orgasm…” What is the series of awakenings that Ursula had? What was the first one that led to all the others? How did “unlocking her pleasure” lead to “unlocking her power?” What happened to her hips?

6. Donny loved comic book heroes. What were the changes that Donny experienced that led to his heroism? Was it within him all along? Can you imagine what your own personal heroism might look like? What are some of the causes that you would want to champion, if only you had a little more courage, time, money…

7. How are rebels and lovers alike? What is the courage that is needed for either, or both?

8. Have you ever taken a big leap in the name of love? What was it that compelled you? Did you have a soft landing, or fall flat on your face? Would you do it again?

9. Ursula tells Donny, “You are what you eat.” What role does food play in this story? How does each character’s relationships to the foods they eat define them? What is your own relationship to food, and how does it reflect and effect who you are?

10. Who is M.Earth, and how can she be so blasé? What is her interaction with the seeds, insects, mushrooms, mycelium and the cycles of extinction? How did her seismic activity relate to Ursula’s? How are they all connected?

11. “Could it actually be that the mushrooms have orchestrated this romance in order to get themselves moved around the world?” What was the role that the mushrooms and the mycelium played in the story? If this book were called The Mushrooms Save the World, what would their story be? What would the story be if told from each of the character’s point of view?

12. What would you do if you were made an outlaw for growing a garden, or even a houseplant? If your freedom was threatened? If your food was restricted and rationed? What do you know about seeds, farming, and GMO’s (genetically modified organisms)? Would you like to know more?

Weblinks

»	Official web site for Donny and Ursula Save the World
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