Introduction

There are informative books on abuse written by psychologists and sociologists. This is written by a layperson who has trekked the challenging trail from hurt to healing. The insightful message will be useful to teens and adults living in an abusive relationship and to others who might better understand problems faced by family and friends trapped in abusive situations. "A strong and powerfully moving account, The Phoenix Factor is highly recommended reading for anyone caught up in (or seeking to recover from) abusive personal relationships...presents brief, riveting bursts of short essays and cogent observations..." The Midwest Book Review, James Cox, Editor. Phoenix's mission is to inspire readers to look beyond pain and to walk into the light of a meaningful new day.

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Discussion Questions

DISCUSSION 1: CONFORM! YOU MUST BE JUST LIKE ME-?

1. There is no one like you. Do you like what your see? Why?
2. When did you start your new life? Share your story.
3. Do you know individuals who seem to "glow"? Ask that person what it is that they seem to have discovered.
4. How do you feel when others expect or require you to conform to their expectations? If you have a pre-teen or teenager in your household, what message will you give that teen on this subject?
5. How do you feel about being asked to conform in the workplace? In school? At events?
6. Give examples of situations where you were expected to confrom. Were they legitimate or realistic? Discuss how you feel about a request by a spouse or parent or employer that you conform to a certain standard (i.e. housekeeping at home or at work, meal preparation, specific behaviors in the workplace).

DISCUSSION 2: A HULA HOOP

1. Round and round we go, like hamsters on an exercise wheel. The first step is to understand that the cycle must be broken. Discuss the cycles within your life that have a negative impact on you, your family, your job, or your health. If you cannot think of a negative cycle within your life, consider the loop in which an acquaintace is caught.
2. Discuss ways of breaking an abusive or codependent cycle in an abusive relationship.
3. If a teenager is caught in a codependent cycle, could low self-esteem be involved? List ten self-esteem builders.
DISCUSSION 3: CHILDREN

1. Discuss how children are impacted by a harmonious atmosphere. An explosive atmosphere.
2. What characteristics have you seen in children from abusive homes or environments?
3. We all know someone who has gone through a divorce. Discuss the resulting behaviors of the children. How did chidlren of various ages react? Why?
4. If you know a widow or widower who has been left with children, discuss the impact on their family life.
5. Discuss ideas for helping children deal with anger or hatred toward a parent who stayed, yet seemed ineffective, or the parent who manipulated or left altogether.
DISCUSSION 4: FRIENDSHIPS

1. Why are friendships important? Do you avoid close friendships? Why?
2. Who in your household plans social events? Why?
3. Do you have same-sex friends? Where did you meet them? If not, does this involve a shortage of time, money, opportunity, or desire?
4. If you were to move to a new area, where would you go to meet people who would appeal to you?
5. What qualities do you seek in a close friend?
DISCUSSION 5: MEMORIES OF TIMES PAST

1. How do you deal with negatives memories and broken dreams? What role do they play in your present and future?
2. Be on the lookout for that porter of the past walking behind you loaded down with your luggage full of negative memories. Have memories from generations past slipped into the porter's arms unnoticed, affecting the success of relationships that are a part of your present and will be part of your future?
3. Memories can transgress that space between generations. Your insistence to hold onto past hurts can sneak into the next generation, tempting children to follow similar destructive paths. Can you think of an example?
DISCUSSION 6: MASKS

1. Are there times when masks are acceptable? Why? List five masks that are detrimental.
2. What mask does that individual at work wear?
3. What mask does your friend wear?
4. What masks do your children (or your neighbor's children) wear? Your spouse? Your roommate? Your family?
5. What masks do you wear? Why? For whose benefit?
6. Do the masks you slide behind keep you from living the life you wish to live?

DISCUSSION 7: FORGED BY FIRE/ CHARTING POSSIBILITIES

1. How do you deal with challenges? Do you bend and sway with the wind or do you stand rigid, eventually breaking because of the strain?
2. Do you learn to work around those things you cannot change, or do you let inflexibility and stubbornness stand against the storm only to be broken by the mighty wind?
3. Do you try to change what you can and work around that which will not budge?
4. Do you think outside the box, yet flow within the rules society has set in place?
5. Do you learn from your experiences and try to develop strength of character?
6. Do you acknowledge that all people face challenges and tragedies and find comfort in knowing you are not alone in this journey?
7. If you don't like where you are, will you decide to change? Will you have the courage that what you are presently doing is not working?
8. Discover and discuss what it is that makes your heart race and time fly away. Perhaps it's a book to read, a walk in the woods, baking a pie, a summer garden, flying, or a scientific formula, painting, obtaining a college degree, working with children, or engineering.
9. Make a decision: Give an example when a new and uncomfortable situation arose, and you had to decide whether you'd go back where you came from or move forward to conquer your fear? What is it that YOU want to do?
10. Give examples of ways in which you've grown through meeting challenges head on.
11. In those moments that fly away during your time of happiness, what is it that you were doing?
DISCUSSION 8: CHANGE AND CHOICES

1. Do you find yourself returning time and time again to places you know you don't belong? If so, why do you keep returning? What steps can you take to stay on the task at hand, the task of rebuilding and repairing your life?
2. Do you view mistakes as learning opportunities or do you send yourself on private guilt trips?
3. Do you chart your own possibilities? Do you let others make decisions for you? Why or why not?
4. Do you give the Demon Fear power in your decision-making process and goal setting? How? Give an example.


DISCUSSION 9: SETTING GOALS

1. Do you listen to the goals and dreams that play within your head? Those imaginations can reveal lost and forgotten desires. So when they materialize , write down all the details you see dancing within your head.
2. Do you set goals that are the stepping stones to dreams just waiting to be realized?
3. Did you choose a reasonable, achievable completion date? You set yourself up for failure by setting unreasonable deadlines. It is good to stretch yourself, but the object is success, not dejection. As you work toward completion of your goals, remember not to get so involved in your plan that you forget to enjoy your journey.
4. Do you examine your goals every day? Remember the old saying "out of sight, out of mind." Write your goals on your mirror, post them at work, use them as a bookmark, or list them in your checkbook. There are dozens of creative ways to remind yourself of your goals.
5. Do you read your goals out loud every morning, planting them in your mind for that day? If your goals stay planted in your mind, you will notice new opportunities. At night, read those goals again to reinforce where you want to go.
6. When one goal is completed, do you set another goal? See your power growing and great things happening.
DISCUSSION 10: PATH OF THE PONY

1. What are the things that keep your feet glued down to hinder your progress or the progress of someone else you know?
2. Do you know anyone who sits and rocks back and forth wasting their time and energy fretting about situations they may or may not be able to control? Discuss the implications.
3. What bindings and boundaries deep within have you allowed to take over your decision-making process?

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