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Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After
by Bella DePaulo
Published: 2006-11-14
Hardcover : 336 pages
Hardcover : 336 pages
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People who are single are changing the face of America. Did you know that:
* More than 40 percent of the nation’s adults---over 87 million people---are divorced, widowed, or have always been single.
* There are more households comprised of single people living alone than of married ...
* More than 40 percent of the nation’s adults---over 87 million people---are divorced, widowed, or have always been single.
* There are more households comprised of single people living alone than of married ...
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Introduction
People who are single are changing the face of America. Did you know that:
* More than 40 percent of the nation’s adults---over 87 million people---are divorced, widowed, or have always been single.
* There are more households comprised of single people living alone than of married parents and their children.
* Americans now spend more of their adult years single than married.
* More than 40 percent of the nation’s adults---over 87 million people---are divorced, widowed, or have always been single.
* There are more households comprised of single people living alone than of married parents and their children.
* Americans now spend more of their adult years single than married.
Many of today’s single people have engaging jobs, homes that they own, and a network of friends. This is not the 1950s---singles can have sex without marrying, and they can raise smart, successful, and happy children. It should be a great time to be single. Yet too often single people are still asked to defend their single status by an onslaught of judgmental peers and fretful relatives.
Prominent people in politics, the popular press, and the intelligentsia have all taken turns peddling myths about marriage and singlehood. Marry, they promise, and you will live a long, happy, and healthy life, and you will never be lonely again.
Drawing from decades of scientific research and stacks of stories from the front lines of singlehood, Bella DePaulo debunks the myths of singledom---and shows that just about everything you’ve heard about the benefits of getting married and the perils of staying single are grossly exaggerated or just plain wrong. Although singles are singled out for unfair treatment by the workplace, the marketplace, and the federal tax structure, they are not simply victims of this singlism. Single people really are living happily ever after.
Filled with bracing bursts of truth and dazzling dashes of humor, Singled Out is a spirited and provocative read for the single, the married, and everyone in between.
You will never think about singlehood or marriage the same way again.
Singled Out debunks the Ten Myths of Singlehood, including:
Myth #1: The Wonder of Couples: Marrieds know best.
Myth #3: The Dark Aura of Singlehood: You are miserable and lonely and your life is tragic.
Myth #5: Attention, Single Women: Your work won’t love you back and your eggs will dry up. Also, you don’t get any and you’re promiscuous.
Myth #6: Attention, Single Men: You are horny, slovenly, and irresponsible, and you are the scary criminals. Or you are sexy, fastidious, frivolous, and gay.
Myth #7: Attention, Single Parents: Your kids are doomed.
Myth #9: Poor Soul: You will grow old alone and you will die in a room by yourself where no one will find you for weeks.
Myth #10: Family Values: Let’s give all of the perks, benefits, gifts, and cash to couples and call it family values.
“With elegant analysis, wonderfully detailed examples, and clear and witty prose, DePaulo lays out the many, often subtle denigrations and discriminations faced by single adults in the U.S. She addresses, too, the resilience of single women and men in the face of such singlism. A must-read for all single adults, their friends and families, as well as social scientists and policy advocates.”
---E. Kay Trimberger, author of The New Single Woman
Singled Out debunks the Ten Myths of Singlehood, including:
Myth #1: The Wonder of Couples: Marrieds know best.
Myth #3: The Dark Aura of Singlehood: You are miserable and lonely and your life is tragic.
Myth #5: Attention, Single Women: Your work won’t love you back and your eggs will dry up. Also, you don’t get any and you’re promiscuous.
Myth #6: Attention, Single Men: You are horny, slovenly, and irresponsible, and you are the scary criminals. Or you are sexy, fastidious, frivolous, and gay.
Myth #7: Attention, Single Parents: Your kids are doomed.
Myth #9: Poor Soul: You will grow old alone and you will die in a room by yourself where no one will find you for weeks.
Myth #10: Family Values: Let’s give all of the perks, benefits, gifts, and cash to couples and call it family values.
“With elegant analysis, wonderfully detailed examples, and clear and witty prose, DePaulo lays out the many, often subtle denigrations and discriminations faced by single adults in the U.S. She addresses, too, the resilience of single women and men in the face of such singlism. A must-read for all single adults, their friends and families, as well as social scientists and policy advocates.”
---E. Kay Trimberger, author of The New Single Woman
Excerpt
Chapter One Singlism: The Twenty-First-Century Problem That Has No Name I think married people should be treated fairly. They should not be stereotyped, stigmatized, discriminated against, or ignored. They deserve every bit as much respect as single people do. I can imagine a world in which married people were not treated appropriately, and if that world ever materialized, I would protest. Here are a few examples of what I would find offensive: • When you tell people you are married, they tilt their heads and say things like “aaaawww” or “don’t worry honey, your turn to divorce will come.” • When you browse the bookstores, you see shelves bursting with titles such as If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Married and How to Ditch Your Husband After Age 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School. • Every time you get married, you feel obligated to give expensive presents to single people. • When you travel with your spouse, you each have to pay more than when you travel alone. • At work, the single people just assume that you can cover the holidays and all of the other inconvenient assignments; they figure that as a married person, you don’t have anything better to do. • Single employees can add another adult to their health care plan; you can’t. • When your single co-workers die, they can leave their Social Security benefits to the person who is most important to them; you are not allowed to leave yours to anyone – they just go back into the system. • Candidates for public office boast about how much they value single people. Some even propose spending more than a billion dollars in federal funding to convince people to stay single, or to get divorced if they already made the mistake of marrying. • Moreover, no one thinks there is anything wrong with any of this. Married people do not have any of these experiences, of course, but single people do. People who do not have a serious coupled relationship (my definition – for now – of single people) are stereotyped, discriminated against, and treated dismissively. This stigmatizing of people who are single – whether divorced, widowed, or ever-single -- is the 21st century problem that has no name. I’ll call it singlism.
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Discussion Questions
From the author:1. Have you experienced singlism in your life? Have you ever practiced it?
2. Do you think singlism is worse for women or for men?
3. Have you noticed examples of singlism in movies, TV shows, magazines, newspapers, or in advertisements? What do you think it would take to get the media to portray singles in a less stereotyped way? Or do you think that’s already starting to happen?
4. What did you read in Singled Out that surprised you the most?
5. Among the people you know, do couples tend to socialize mostly only with other couples? Why do you think that is?
6. Drawing from scientific research, the author points to the important place of friends in people’s lives. Has that been true in your life? Do you agree with the author that friends are generally underappreciated in American society? If so, why do you think that is?
7. The author describes a number of workplace practices that can be unfair to single people – for example, sometimes single people are expected to cover for their married co-workers over holidays, accept the least desirable assignments and hours, and so forth. She also notes that when examples of unfairness are pointed out, people sometimes react very defensively. Can you think of ways that the workplace can be made a fair and friendly place for all employees, without creating defensiveness or hostility?
8. Do you know any single people who have taken the myths to heart, who seem to believe that there really is something wrong with them because they are single? How might they come to view and live their lives more positively?
9. Currently, singles do not vote as often as married people do. What do you think would increase the rate of voting among single people?
10. Are there any myths about singles that the author did not include?
Notes From the Author to the Bookclub
A note from Bella to book clubs: Writing Singled Out was an absolutely exhilarating experience. I am passionate about the topic. Even though I had lived as a singleton my entire life, the study of singlehood was entirely new to me. I read voraciously, on topics I knew nothing about previously. I constantly examined the claims that were made about singles in the media, and even in scientific journals, and again and again found them misleading or totally inaccurate. I thought about why this was happening, talked to lots of people, and read some more. The cultural conversation on singlehood is stuck in a rut, and has been for decades. In writing Singled Out, I was blasting my way outside of that narrow box, and loving every step of the way. OK, not every step. There were times when people read what I had written and did not exactly bubble over with enthusiasm. Those were difficult times. But now, even some of the very negative reactions are heartening. For example, when people totally disagree with my point of view, and are angered by my position, I know I have struck a nerve. I do not enjoy their ire – effusive praise is much more fun – but I love it when they are engaged by my arguments and examples. More than just about anything else, I want people to think – no, to rethink what they thought they already knew. Even if they cycle back to their original position, it will be a more informed position.Book Club Recommendations
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