Introduction

"This powerful story, told with the music of poetry and the blade of truth, will help your heart grow."--Laurie Halse Anderson, author of Speak and Shout

"[A] testimony and a triumph."--Jason Reynolds, author of Long Way Down

In her own voice, acclaimed author and poet Nikki Grimes explores the truth of a harrowing childhood in a compelling and moving memoir in verse. Growing up with a mother suffering from paranoid schizophrenia and a mostly absent father, Nikki Grimes found herself terrorized by babysitters, shunted from foster family to foster family, and preyed upon by those she trusted. At the age of six, she poured her pain onto a piece of paper late one night - and discovered the magic and impact of writing. For many years, Nikki's notebooks were her most enduing companions. In this accessible and inspiring memoir that will resonate with young readers and adults alike, Nikki shows how the power of those words helped her conquer the hazards - ordinary and extraordinary - of her life.

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Excerpt

ON OUR OWN

1.
No one warned me the world was full of ordinary hazards
like closets with locks and keys.

I learned this lesson when Mom, without her cousin to fall back on, left us daily with
a succession of strangers while she went to work.
One woman was indisputably a demon in disguise,
full lips grinning slyly
as Mom waved goodbye each morning.
“See you after work,” Mom said that first day.
The second she was out of sight,
Demon’s smile melted like hot paraffin.
Snatching up Carol and me, she dragged us, kicking, to the bedroom closet.
She shoved us in, quick as the witch in “Hansel and Gretel,”
jamming the key in the lock.
“You tattle to your mom about this,” she growled, “I’ll come back
and beat the black off ya.” Deadly threat delivered, she left for the day.

2.
I screamed, my puny fists pounding the door till Carol caught me by the wrists
and held me still. “Shhhh,” she whispered. “It’s okay. I’m right here.”
Once my breathing slowed, Carol left me long enough to navigate the darkness.

She found suitcases to sit on. Sniffling, I perched on the edge of one and pressed my fingertips together.

“Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.”

I repeated those words like a chant.
I was three years old.
It was the only prayer I knew.

3.
I should’ve prayed not to pee my pants.
The cramped and stuffy space made me wheeze.
Brass fittings on the Samsonite case dug into the flesh
behind my knees. But worse yet,
the occasional roach skittered along my calf, up a thigh,
and I would scratch and stomp and cry till it was off.

No one was around
to wipe away my tears, except my sister,
who had tears of her own.

4.
Day after day,
the routine remained unchanged. Demon locked us up in the morning, then let us out and fed us just before Mom came home from work.
Despite the witch’s threat,
the minute Carol saw Mom, she poured out the horrors of that first day,
but Mom waved her away with a warning
to quit lying.

5.
One afternoon, when I thought
we’d live in the dark forever,
I heard what sounded like a familiar voice.
“Girls?”
“Mommy?” I screamed, afraid to believe.
But the lock turned, the door flew open,
and I leaped into Mom’s arms. “My God!” she said.
“How long have you two been in here?”
“All day,” snapped Carol,
keeping her distance. “I told you!
I told you,
but you called me a liar!”

6.
The slap of words sent Mom to her knees, please written all over her face.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, reaching for my sister.
Carol backed away.
“Jesus,” Mom said. “What did
this woman do? Are you all right?” Where to begin?
There were too many answers.
Even my big sister
lacked the language needed for them all,
so we chose silence.
Besides, it was impossible to guess which atrocities
Mom was prepared to hear.

7.
Thankfully, my sister and I never laid eyes on that
bit of walking evil again. Still, Demon lived inside us for years, embedded in our twin fears
of the dark.
... view entire excerpt...

Discussion Questions

In “On Our Own” in Book One, Grimes recounts a childhood trauma. Her sister, Carol, comforts Nikki,
and, when their mother discovers the awful truth, Carol berates her for not believing them sooner. This is the first time Carol is shown defending her younger sister, but it is not the last. How is Carol more like a mother to Nikki? Why is their mother unable to care for Nikki and Carol?

The poem “Family” ends with a heartbreaking question. What does the author ask of her relatives?

At the start of Book Two, the author offers a poem that begins with “Search my life for luck, and bad is all you’ll find.” Yet the poem ends on a very different note. What allows the author to overcome the bad luck in her life?

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