Introduction

An instant New York Times bestseller—lauded by critics and TV personalities alike—and one of the most anticipated books of the year, Ada Calhoun’s Why We Can’t Sleep has ignited an essential conversation about the midlife realities faced by Gen X women, the generation raised to “have it all.”

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Excerpt

An acquaintance told me she’d been having a rough time, working three jobs as a single mother since her husband left her. Determined to cheer up her family, she planned a weekend trip. After working a long week, she started packing at ten p.m., figuring she could catch a few hours of sleep before their five a.m. departure. She asked her eleven-year-old son to start gathering his stuff; he didn’t move. She asked again. Nothing.

“If you don’t help,” she told him, “I’m going to smash your iPad.”

He still didn’t move.

As if possessed, she grabbed a metal hammer and whacked the iPad to pieces.

When she told me this, I thought of how many parents I know who have fantasized or threatened this very thing, and here she’d actually done it. I laughed.

“Yeah, my friends think it’s a hilarious story too,” she said, “but in reality, it was dark and awful.” Her first thought as she stood over the broken glass: “I have to find a good therapist…right…now.”

Since turning forty a couple of years ago, I’ve become obsessed by women my age and their—our—struggles with money, relationships, work, and existential despair.

Looking for more women to talk to for this book, I called my friend Tara, a successful reporter a few years older than me who grew up in Kansas City. Divorced about a decade ago, she has three mostly-grown children and lives on a quiet, leafy street in Washington, D.C., with her boyfriend. They recently adopted a rescue dog.

“Hey,” I said, happy to have caught her on a rare break from her demanding job, “do you know anyone having a midlife crisis I could talk to?”

The phone was silent.

Finally, she said, “I’m trying to think of any woman I know who’s not.” view abbreviated excerpt only...

Discussion Questions

1. What do you think of applying the term “midlife crisis” to women today? Is there another term you would use? Or do you think the situations described in this book qualify as a crisis?

2. The author writes that the ’70s and ’80s could be “a rough time to be a kid.” She cites the economy, the high crime rate, and the fact that, unlike Boomers, who got to engage in drug experimentation and free love, we were “the clean-up crew for parties we were too young to attend,” to quote a ’90s song. Do you agree?

3. Was there a chapter you particularly related to in the book?

4. Do you agree with Calhoun that the culture has routinely pitted us against one another as women—for example, those with children versus those without?

5. Was there a statistic that you found especially telling? Perhaps the one about how only one in four women of this generation is likely to out-earn her father? Or the fact that one in four women this age is on anti-depressants?

6. Do you agree with Calhoun that this generation of women was raised with unrealistic “having it all” expectations? And do you agree with some of the women she quotes who said they feel that they were “sold a bill of goods”?

7. Many women interviewed told Calhoun they were lucky and had no right to complain. These women often said this even if they were running themselves ragged caring for others, making the money for the household, and doing most of the housework. She argues that women in crisis often don’t give themselves permission to, say, get a sportscar, but rather fit their breakdowns in around the rest of their lives. Do you agree?

8. Calhoun insists that this is not a self-help book and that she avoids giving advice. However, she does encourage women struggling at this age to get more support—from other women their age and a good gynecologist, for example. And she encourages us to see that this is a period of time that will end. What advice would you add?

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