Introduction

Raised as an Orthodox Jew in Borough Park, Brooklyn, Shoshanna always struggled with the structure of not only her religion but her lifestyle. When a teacher exposed her to Zen in high school, she found happiness, then confusion, and then of course guilt. After a lifetime of studying Zen and returning in fits and starts to a devout Jewish observance, she has found a way to balance the contradictions of a religion that covets community and devotion to God with one that centers on the individual and the quest for the essential self. The story of her struggle, while interesting—and in some cases, deeply personal—lacks consistency. Despite chapter sections on practice, there are few tangible prescriptions, and readers looking for the how-to guide that's promised in the subtitle may feel cheated. Shoshanna never quite finds the balance in writing for the casual seeker versus one already familiar with both Orthodox Judaism and Buddhism—and who wants, like her, to maintain a deep connection to both traditions.

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Excerpt

Building Relationships: Marriage and Courtship; Monks and Nuns

“Friend, listen, this is what I have to say,

The friend I love is inside me”.-Kabir

Today there are all kinds of intimate relationships. In many circles traditional relationships are a thing of the past. Commitment is not automatically a part of anything, including living together or falling in love. Along with these changes, we see increasing divorce, loneliness, and difficulty establishing stable relationships. For many, it has become hard to find a suitable partner and create a lasting home.

Although love and relationships are approached differently in Jewish and Zen practice, the teachings intersect in many ways. Jewish practice insists that we enter all kinds of relationships where love can be expressed. It is in the very process of being in relationship, that we learn what it means to love. Zen practice asks that we first establish the ability to love within. In the practice of zazen we see and dissolve everything inside ourselves that keeps us from being loving. As we become aware of our fears and constrictions and let them go, we become able to love and care for all. In order to deepen our experience of love, both Jewish and Zen practice reject conventional ideas about what love and relationships are and ask us to adopt a completely new perspective.

The Jewish Practice of Love

One of the pillars of Jewish practice is the relationship between a man and a woman. This relationship is considered so important that the quality of a person's marriage can tell you everything about who he or she is. A student of Torah wanted to find the best Rebbe to study with. He went around checking on the different ones, asking, “How can I know if this Rebbe is really great?” Finally a well-known scholar answered, “If you want to know the quality of the Rebbe, take a look at how happy he makes his wife.”

Jewish practice has a clear-cut view of love and marriage. In American culture, when two people marry we assume they are at the peak of their love. The wedding and honeymoon are thought of as a time of exhilaration, when love is at its peak. Judaism does not view it this way. In Jewish practice, romantic feelings, which come and go, are not a foundation for lasting love. The wedding is just a beginning; the person you marry is there to show you what it means to love. This person is your teacher and will show you the ways you need to grow. It is important to focus on caring for and serving your partner, not on how you are being served. When your partner is behaving in a disturbing way, you are to take a step back and realize that they are now simply giving you an opportunity to grow. In your heart you are to thank them for behaving this way. They are teaching you to let go of self-centered focus, to accept differences and not to judge. You are learning patience, humility, and kindness as well.

The Dangers of Falling in Love

Jewish practice teaches that the experience of falling in love is not necessarily healthy; it can be a blessing or a curse. The emotions connected to falling in love can be so intense and create such tumultuous reactions that unless you are prepared, they can cause difficulty and blindness of all kinds. For example, you may not know if what you feel is love or some kind of fantasy infatuation. When the intoxication lessens, you are able to see things clearly and you may wonder what you ever saw in the person in the first place. Psychological and spiritual preparation for an event serves as a protective shield, which directs the intense emotions of the heart.

Soul Mates: The Yearning for the Partner

According to Jewish teaching a truly matched couple are two parts of the same soul, destined to unite in matrimony. When you are longing for your true partner, you are longing for the other part of your soul.

Everyone wants to find their soul mate. Although it is considered a very great blessing and privilege to find this person, all may not be ready for it. There may be growth or repair that must take place before you are ready. You may first have to develop to a level where you can be suitable for the person who is meant for you. If you want to find your soul mate, first attend to your soul; nourish it by refining your character and increasing your goodness. Then you are to pray.

The Zen Practice of Love

Zen practice steps back from the chase and asks what are we truly seeking and what is it we lack? Many who crave a relationship feel that something is missing; they have lost a precious treasure and are now searching for it everywhere. If they cannot or do not find their perfect partner, they are unworthy or have failed.

But who is searching, and who must be found? From the Zen point of view, this search for ourselves in another person is dangerous and misleading. Just as you are, you are complete and whole. Nothing need be added. Your original nature encompasses all; it is neither male nor female, big nor small. The feeling that you lack something comes from obsession with seeking your good outside of yourself.

Originally, Zen practice took place among monks and nuns in monasteries. Today, as Zen is being transplanted in the West, Zen practitioners have the wonderful opportunity of both doing zazen and integrating their practice with the marketplace of life. Ultimately, a practice such as this cannot be shaken, no matter what storm appears. Practitioners have husbands, wives, friends, and business associates all of whom become part of their training and part of the way. view abbreviated excerpt only...

Discussion Questions

1: What is Zen?

2: What is the main purpose of Jewish practice and how does it accomplish it?

3. How can the practice of Judaism heal my life?

3. How do Jewish and Zen practice enrich one another?

4: How does Zen practice heal suffering?

5: What is the Jewish concept of love?

6: What is the main purpose of Zen practice?

7. How and where do we practice Zen?

8: What is one of the main differences between Jewish and Zen practice?

9. For Jews, and for Zen students, where is true fulfillment found?

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