Introduction

In his first major work since the publication of his phenomenal bestseller The Five Love Languages, Dr. Chapman delivers a powerful plan for whole-life happiness, with simple yet intensive exercises and wisdom for finding the life you have always wanted. The way in which our individual lives are improved, says Chapman, is through improving each relationship in your life: with your parents your children, your coworkers, and your spouse, and for all human interactions that form the foundations of our lives. With breakthrough strategies for developing new ways of accepting and responding to the gift of love, Love as a Way of Life nurtures the essential qualities of Kindness, Patience, Forgiveness, Courtesy, Humility, Generosity, and Honesty. Memorable real-life stories and inspiring advice make this an ideal book to share with others, fostering meaningful conversations about the incredible possibilities that emerge when love becomes a habit. In his previous work, Dr. Chapman brought to light the different ways people express love, but in Love as a Way of Life he reveals that every aspect of your life can be improved by placing love at the center of everything you do. As Rick Warren does in The Purpose Driven Life, Chapman illuminates the profound influence of spiritual insight and understanding on our daily lives. Using real-life anecdotes, he examines the obstacles and misunderstandings that undermine relationships, and provides quizzes and exercises to help readers evaluate their own strengths and weaknesses. Rich in wisdom and inspiration, Love as a Way of Life is an invaluable guide to creating fulfilling and satisfying relationships and reaping the joys of living a love-driven life.

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Excerpt

My daughter, Shelley, and I boarded the plane in Phoenix feeling fortunate that we had been bumped to first class. I was assigned 4A, however, and she was seated in 7A, both window seats. All twenty-eight seats in first class were full, so we were hoping that someone would be willing to change seats so that we could be together for the four-hour flight.

Shelley said to the man seated in the aisle seat beside 7A, “Would you be willing to change seats so that I can sit with my father?”

“Is it an aisle seat?” the man asked.

“No, it’s a window seat.”

“Can’t do that,” he said. “Don’t like crawling over people to get out.”

“I can understand that,” Shelley responded as she took her seat.

A bit later the man who had been assigned the aisle seat beside me arrived. I said, “Would you be interested in sitting in Seven A so that my daughter and I could sit together?”

He glanced back at 7A and said, “I’d be happy to.”

“I really appreciate that,” I said.

“Not a problem,” he replied with a smile as he picked up his paper and moved to 7A.

Later I reflected on that incident. What accounted for the two different responses? The men were about the same age; late fifties or early sixties was my guess. Both were dressed in business attire. Yet one held to his aisle seat with tenacity, while the other freely gave up the aisle to accommodate our desire.

Could it be that one man had a daughter and the other did not? Could it be that the man who freely gave up the aisle seat really preferred a window seat? Or was it just that they had gone to different kindergartens and had different mothers? Had one been taught to share and help people, while the other to “look out for number one”? Did one have a loving gene that the other did not get?

For decades I have observed similar events, both large and small, and have asked myself, What makes the difference between “lovers” and those people who seldom show an attitude of concern and care for others? What are the characteristics of loving people? How were these character traits developed?

In the past year, trying to answer these questions, I have traveled the country observing behavior, interviewing people, reading available research, and examining religious teachings and practices. I have also drawn upon my thirty-five years of experience as a marriage and family counselor.

In the course of this study of love, I’ve named what I believe are the seven characteristics of a loving person:

• Kindness

• Patience

• Forgiveness

• Humility

• Courtesy

• Generosity

• Honesty

These seven traits are not vague feelings or good intentions. They are habits we learn to practice when we decide to become authentically loving people. They are basic, practical traits that are doable in everyday life. Yet the result of making these traits a habit is remarkable: satisfaction in relationships.

Love is multifaceted. It is like a diamond with many surfaces yet one display of beauty. In a similar way, when put together, the seven key characteristics of love form a loving person.

Each trait is critical. If you are missing one in your relationships, you are missing something significant.

I believe these traits are the keys not only to successful relationships but to success in all of life. That’s because the only way to find true satisfaction in life is to love others well. view abbreviated excerpt only...

Discussion Questions

1. In the introduction to Love as a Way of Life, Dr. Chapman describes the two responses he received when trying to trade seats on an airplane. How easy is it for you to be a “friend in disguise”? How did this book change your beliefs about love and human nature?

2. Did you hesitate in signing the commitment at the end of chapter one? Discuss the obstacles as well as the goals that played a part in your decision to embark on Dr. Chapman's journey to love.

3. What did you discover about your habits as you worked through the initial self-test on kindness? What are the most striking examples of kindness that you encountered once you began consciously looking for it in the world around you-at home, at work, with friends and family, and in other settings?

4. How does your approach to life compare to the results of the “marshmallow test” described in chapter three? What roles do patience and pride play in your daily interactions? Which one is more often rewarded in contemporary American culture?

5. What new insight did you gain from the stories of forgiveness in chapter four? What elements of Dr. Chapman's discussion, including trust, anger, and self-forgiveness, have played out in these scenarios, and in your life?

6. How did you feel about your score on the “Am I Courteous” quiz? What opportunities exist for you to let courtesy flourish in your home and workplace, and in the ordinary places you visit frequently-from the grocery store to the ballpark?

7. Did the portrait of leadership offered at the beginning of chapter six surprise you? What is the greatest challenge you face in finding genuine humility within yourself, or within your community? What is the best way to recognize and perform acts of true humility, not ones based on the hope of praise or other rewards?

8. Throughout your life, how have you set your priorities regarding time and money? Which people, activities, and purchases have typically ranked the highest for you? What gifts of talent, time, and financial support are you ready to offer now? Which individuals do you most want to serve?

9. Have email and the Information Age made it harder to be dishonest, or does dishonesty spread more rapidly than ever before? Discuss the temptation of dishonesty as it has affected all levels of your life, from being honest with yourself and your loved ones to the issue of integrity in the world.

10. Though romantic relationships and marriage are most often associated with love, Dr. Chapman writes candidly about the difficulty in maintaining truly loving behavior even in these interactions. How does the concept of “servanthood” change the way you view dating and marriage?

11. Did you grow up in a family that demonstrated authentic love? As a parent or the member of an extended family, what can you do today to spark the habit of authentic love in future generations? How would Dr. Chapman's recommendations serve the children in your life?

12. Do your coworkers perceive the workplace as an opportunity for love? How does the concept of loving behavior change the way you think about work and livelihoods?

13. In your opinion, what are the most important philosophies of love presented by Dr. Chapman? Which of these will have the most lasting impact on your future?

14. Which of the personal stories presented in Love as a Way of Life resonated the most with your personal experiences? What does the range of examples-from the apologies of Lee Atwater in the political sphere to the strained marriage of Charlotte and John-indicate about the power of love to transform humanity?

15. Written for the twenty-first century, how does Love as a Way of Life build on the foundations established in Dr. Chapman's previous books?

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