Dear Reader,

I once worried that my friends and family would think I was weak, pathetic, or mentally unbalanced if they knew that I no longer wished to have sex with my husband, that I practiced daily acts of marital sabotage (washing my clothes and not his, hiding the remote, forgetting to tell him that his mother called), or that I took my mind off my misery by planning his funeral.

A friend suggested marital counseling but, as one of the country’s most successful ghostwriters of self help books, I choose a different strategy. I read 12 marital improvement books, perused the Internet, and interviewed happily married friends.

Four months later, we renewed our vows.

I wrote Project: Happily Ever After to tell that story. I wrote it for everyone who is—right now—in that scary place I was before my project: feeling alone, scared, unbalanced, and hopeless. I wrote it to start a conversation about the aspects of marriage and relationships that no one talks about.

People say that it’s a “good read” “delightfully funny” and “worthy of a thriller.” You can be the judge of that.

If you’d like enter to win one of 5 free copies of Project: Happily Ever After, please email me at [email protected] and tell me what makes you feel alone in your marriage or relationship.

And if you’d like to enter to win a host of prizes—ranging from a Kindle to free stays at B&Bs to vouchers for marriage counseling—visit http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2010/10/the-fabulous-phea-giveaway/.

Q&A with Author Allison Bowman:

Q: You planned your husband’s funeral to the last detail. Why did you do this and do you feel guilty about it?

I used to think I did it because I had a screw loose. It wasn’t until I began talking about my marital problems that I realized I wasn’t state hospital material. I told one friend, “I used to want my husband dead, but we’ve really worked on things, and I feel much better.” She replied, “I’ve wanted to kill my husband! I have this fantasy about pushing his back up against a wall and strangling him. I just want to strangle him sometimes!”

Another friend said, “Me, too! I’ve just wanted to hit him so hard. What is it about husbands? Why is it that they can get us madder than anyone else? I didn’t know anger until I got married.”

Yet another simply said, “Been there.”

These were people I’d assumed were happily married. They were women who, to the outside world, seemed to have doting husbands who were wonderful fathers. They were men who, on the surface, seemed to be madly in love with their wives. Yet they’d all had the funeral fantasy.

The funeral fantasy gave me emotional solace during a very difficult time in my life. It allowed me to see what was wrong. It allowed me to see what I wanted to change. It allowed me to yearn for more, and it allowed me to see my life without him and understand that the marriage I had was worth saving.

Q: Your marriage was in such a dark and miserable place when you started your marital improvement project. Did you think that the project would really work?

Truthfully? Not really. During the first few weeks of the project, I was only doing it so I could tell my friend Deb that I really had tried everything. I also wanted to give it one last-ditch effort for our daughter’s sake, but I didn’t have great hopes for turning things around.

I promised myself that I would continue to try as long as two things were happening:

1. My husband was trying.

2. Our marriage was improving, even if just a little bit.

Both of those things were happening throughout the marriage project, and they are still happening to this day.

Q: When did you know that you were going to write a book about the story of your marriage?

As I was working on my marriage, I was sending very long and somewhat humorous emails to Deb, the friend who convinced me to work on my marriage. One of these emails, for instance, was about The Martini wax. Another was about the New York trip. Another was about the Relaxed Hug.

She kept emailing back telling me that she laughed until she cried. She encouraged me to send my emails—as is—to Slate.com and Salon.com. I didn’t have the courage to do that at the time, though, so I continued to focus on Fall From Grace, the unfinished novel depicted in this book.

During the midst of the marriage project, I signed up for an essay writing class. At first I had no idea what I was going to write about. I kept thinking, “Why am I taking an essay class? My life is so boring. I don’t have any interesting stories to tell.”

Then I thought about those emails that Deb had encouraged me to turn into essays. I started with The Martini email. My teacher loved it. So did everyone in the class.

One day, not much later, I was walking my dog. I started thinking about how I had my husband’s funeral completely planned out. I wondered, “Do other people do this?” And just like that, this line came to me, “I knew something was terribly wrong with my marriage when I planned my husband’s funeral.” You never saw a woman walk back to her house so fast. I sat at my computer and started typing. Before I got up from the desk, I had an entire first chapter.

Q: You also have a marriage blog. When did that come about?

Other writers had been telling me to start a blog for a while. Nowadays, nearly every freelance writer has one. I’d resisted starting one, though, because I didn’t know what I would blog about. Most freelancers write about writing, and I didn’t want to do that. Then one day I had one of those “Duh, you silly person” moments and realized my blog should be about marriage. I launched ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com in October 2008.

Q: What does your husband think about all of this?

When I told him that I wanted to write a book about our marriage project, he said, “Sure, why not?” At the time, I assumed he thought I’d never finish it. He probably figured it would just end up being one more half-written project, like the novel.

When I finished it, I asked him to read it. I was just terrified. I tried not to stare at him as he turned the pages. I thought for sure he was going to come to the end and say, “I’m sorry. I just don’t feel comfortable with you doing this.”

He never said that. He got to the last page and he said, “This is really good. I can see you talking about this on Oprah.” I hugged him. I cried and I thanked the gods that I’d married him in the first place.

He was just as supportive about the blog. I think he could see that writing the book and the blog made me happy. They both allowed me to express myself with writing in a way that I had not been able to do before. I also felt as if I was having a direct impact on other people’s lives. Not a day went by that I didn’t get an email or a comment from someone who wanted to let me know how much my advice had helped. It was so gratifying and heartwarming to know that I was making a difference.

He might be clueless in some ways, but I’m sure he knew that a happier wife was more likely to want to have sex and be less likely to nag him. A happier wife was more likely to make him happy.

Q: Are you against divorce? Do you think all couples should work on improving their marriages?

I’m not against divorce. I’m against misery. Many people stay mired in bad marriages for years, mainly because they don’t have the courage to either work on their marriage or end it.

I think most couples should try to work out their differences before ending it, though. If you don’t try everything, then you’ll always have that nagging fear in the back of your mind, “What if my marriage could have been saved? What if I didn’t try hard enough? What if I’ve just made the biggest mistake of my life? What if he/she really was my soul mate?” If you try marital counseling or something else, at least you’ll know you gave it your all.

Not every marriage can be saved, though. Some people are not meant to stay together. There are two ways to know if you should give up on your marriage. They are:

1. Your spouse refuses to try.

2. You both try, but you make no progress. After four months, you are just as miserable as when you started.

If either or both are true, I think divorce is the best option. I don’t think anyone is obligated to stay in a bad marriage, even if kids are involved. You deserve to be happy. If you need a divorce to be happy, get one.

Q: You write about some very intimate, personal stuff. How do you approach the issue of transparency?

Many years ago, I was a very secretive person. I was also very depressed. I’ve since learned that I’m much happier when I keep no secrets. I have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to be embarrassed about. I’d rather people know the real me. If they know everything about me and still like me, I know they are true friends. If I hide parts of myself from people, how will I ever truly know what they think of me?

I used to worry about the effects my writing would have on my daughter, especially the sex column I write for Sex Is magazine. She’s only five now, so I’m not sure what the future holds. I like to believe that I’m a better parent because I can talk and write about these issues openly. When she’s older and it’s time for that birds and the bees discussion, I know I’m not going to have any problems. For me, talking about sex is no different than talking about eating. It’s something we all do.

I’m sure she’ll hate that I write about my sex life when she’s thirteen, but she’s going to hate something about me during that time in her life anyway. Teenagers are universally embarrassed about their parents, even parents who don’t write about blowjobs and bikini waxes.

My general rule about the transparency is that it has to have a point. I don’t write about my sex life just to be graphic. I always make sure I have a point or that I’m trying to be helpful. It’s my hope that someone can benefit from every word I write. I write to help others—to help them feel normal, to give them courage, to inspire them, to offer solutions to their problems, and yes, to make them laugh.