Notes on a Silencing, Lucy Caldwell, author and narrator
This is a heartrending “coming of age” story that is more upsetting because it is true. A child of privilege, unschooled in how to protect herself from the advances of boys when she was at boarding school, had her life forever effected by the events she experienced while there. She was very sheltered and unaware of her body and its power. She was unable to make sensible decisions because she questioned her ability to fit in. Like many teens, she pushed the envelope on obeying rules, but when she broke them, it led to untoward events on several occasions. Did she ask for it? No, she did not. Could she have behaved more wisely? Surely, but then she could also fly if she had wings. She was a 15 year old teenage girl, on her own, in a room without a lock, in a boarding school for the spawn of the rich and powerful, so they looked away from the dangerous behavior of the boys and girls Their disobedience was somehow accepted as the entitlement of the more advantaged in society. Criminal behavior was ignored. In the author’s words, when a crime of sexual abuse was committed, first there was disbelief that the accuser could be innocent, than there was shaming of the accuser, then there were the threats of expulsion, and false charges against them which silenced them. The perpetrators of the crimes were never held responsible. Privileged but very naïve, attending St. Paul’s School in New Hampshire, far from her parents who lived in the posh community of Lake Forest, Illinois, Lacy Caldwell was tricked into becoming the victim of a terrible assault, an assault which shadowed her for the rest of her life. The publishing of this book may save other innocents from an equally degrading experience and life changing event.
Afraid of the shame and repercussions, Lacy submitted silently to the forced fellatio and demeaning behavior of two seniors, both 18, and hoped it would remain secret so that her future would not be altered. She had hopes and dreams. Her mother was a priest. She was a bright, good girl. The event caused her to become depressed and more insecure. When she became ill, with severe throat pain and bleeding from her mouth, the school never once assumed she was ill from something other than normal childhood sickness, colds, canker sores, etc. She was sent to doctors and never told the diagnosis. When the throat pain and bleeding persisted and she lost 10 pounds, she was sent to another doctor. She was never told about the various diagnoses..After confessing about her assault and complaining to her mom about her emotional state, she saw another doctor, participated in a study, and was given Prozac. She also saw her pediatrician who prescribed a medication to control Herpes Simplex, which was what she had contracted as a result of the assault. It is an STD, a sexually transmitted disease.
The school covered the whole attack up and refused to allow Lacy to return to school, once the charges were made, unless she promised not to speak of it. She would be expelled and accused of drug dealing if she did not comply. It seemed to me that her parents were more concerned with the continuity of her education, than with her reputation, and they submitted to the school’s requests rather than clearing her name in court and at school. As a result, when she returned to school, although the entire affair was supposed to be kept secret, she was eventually shamed and shunned because one of the coaches had told the team to get tested if they had been with Lacy. That news spread like wildfire. Yes, Lacy had made some foolish decisions, because she was young and unsophisticated, but she did not deserve what happened to her, and the guilty were never punished, rather, their teammates and friends revered them.
The cover up was the main idea for all involved. Reputations and futures would be tarnished and had to be protected. So the school and the guilty young boys were shielded from shame, but not Lacy Caldwell. She was ridiculed by the worst abusers of the female students, entitled young men who broke all the rules and assaulted the young girls or took advantage of their innocence without consequences.
Decades later, when there was an investigation into sexual assault at St. Paul’s School, Lacy’s history and accusations against her attackers came to light again, The cover up caused gasps from the investigators who were then, inexplicably, forced to drop their investigation. The cover up was still in motion. Rich and powerful forces were preventing her attack from being properly investigated and seeing the light of day. So, she decided, with her husband’s advice, to let it all hang out. The book is the result.
There is a lot of what some would consider excessively descriptive sex, and the use of foul language which may seem inappropriate, but the story and its message is too valuable to ignore. The book may be a better venue to publicize the crimes and the criminals. It could gain a wider audience and make the public more aware of what is all too common in many places where there are vulnerable females. Lacy’s only crime was not being aware of her own beauty and sexuality, and her vulnerability was attacked mercilessly.
Her recall of events is amazing; her introspection is deep. She wanted to belong, but not in the way that they initiated her into their world. During the investigation, questions arose about the veracity of the accusers, the investigators, the school administration and the law firms.
When the book was published, Lacy’s recall of the events was questioned by book reviewers. Parts of her recall were questioned. Some events seemed fuzzy. Some explanations were contradicted elsewhere. I supported her effort and believed her. The boys, now men, never denied their involvement. However, I found fault in her flashback to the “me too” movement and the idea that women need to be believed, even without evidence. Zero tolerance, once an accusation is made, is not something I support. When she brought up the Kavanaugh case, as if it was legitimate, when it was debunked totally because no one corroborated her story, she lost a bit of my support. She also made sure to announce that her mom was a priest, typically a field for men, that her school priest was gay and her counselor was black, and included other innuendos about progressive causes. It then seemed to me that she actually had an agenda while pretending not to have one. That was also a flaw in her character as she was growing up. She seemed innocent of most threats that faced her, but he made decisions that she knew were disobedient and could have repercussions. She does not take responsibility for her life’s mistakes and choices, but holds others responsible. Still, no one should be assaulted, regardless of how many rules they break, how they dress, where they go, or what they believe. Females deserve respect at all times. They are weaker and can be overcome, but that does not make the stronger right. It makes them even more wrong.
Some of the book seems repetitious, but other than that, don’t criticize the language, listen to the message instead. The cover up of these kinds of assaults happens in schools everywhere, more often than people would believe. The faculty and the students abuse their privileges and are often able to hide their crimes. Fraud is easy to carry out if the right people and policies are in place. More tolerance of female complaints are necessary, but not zero tolerance. Lacy’s life was scarred by the events at her boarding school.