Pulling the Chariot of the Sun, Shane McCrae, author
I’d like to say the book is profound, because every sentence opens up a universe of questions and a requirement of deeper thought from the reader, that travels in many different directions. I would also like to say that this book gave me a better understanding of Shane McCrae, but I can’t say that. This is a book that required notes to be taken, yet when absorbed, I felt even a bit more confused. In that confusion, I also felt the frustration and the pain of the man, Shane McCrae, as he sought to explore what happened to him over a period of 13 years in his life, from the time he was a toddler until he was 16 or 17, but I never quite understood the man himself. I would have liked to know more about him and how he got to his father, his awakening, and his future. How did he become so successful after a life of what I believe he feels was a life of deprivation and racism? How did he overcome all of the obstacles? Has he forgiven those who hurt him and robbed him of a happy childhood?
What I do think I know is that Shane is the product of an underage, interracial relationship. He defines himself as black, like his father. However, his identification seems to come from another place, deeper inside him, and far more important to him. I know he loved his skateboard and his skating. I know he suffered from terrible acne and that physical affliction is hard for teens to deal with, without feeling miserable. I know his mother did not seem to really want him in her life. I think I know that his grandmother was not physically abusive, and as far as emotionally abusive, there was not too much evidence of that either. However, his grandfather was another story. He was not described as a nice man, at all. He was very abusive and very angry. He is most likely the reason for Shane’s inability to remember his early life. Things that are too painful to remember, our brains hide from us, so we may survive the terrible trauma. So, I know less than I thought I would know about Shane and his past life. Therefore, his confusion became palpable. As he introduced a thought and worked toward it, he went round and round and then never seemed to wind up where he wanted to go because of the failure of his memory. I, too, felt that I did not wind up where I wanted to be. I wanted a little more.
Shane’s mother is not a major part of this book, but near the end, it becomes quite obvious that his father is very dear and important to him, that his father and he had a warm and loving relationship somewhere deep in the crevices of his memory. McCrae’s grandparents remained an enigma to me, even at the end. His grandfather was definitely physically and verbally abusive from the little that Shane reveals. However, there is little overt evidence of the White supremacy. Where did it show itself? How did it show itself? It only seems to exist in the way they treated Shane, since there were no overt behaviors that stood out or were described in detail. Shane’s grandparents apparently took him away from his mother to raise him, but was it because they were White supremacists? Why would you kidnap a toddler that looked black, if you were a White supremacist? Why would you give him a life that was the best one you could, educating him, providing a home and hearth, food and clothing, and even toys like his beloved skateboard? Forgetting, for a moment, that his grandfather was a thug, why would they want to subject themselves to the possible finger-pointing, if they were White supremacists. Why wouldn’t they want to disown and ignore him, and refuse him any help at all? Why guide him through the early part of his youth?
The book seems to be about a young man who was stolen from what he remembers as a happy life, but who remembers very little else about the troubled childhood that followed. Does that point in the direction of White supremacy or criminal behavior? Was his mother totally unfit to raise him? We learn little about her. Where was Shane really born? Might his father have disappeared after he was born, only to return later? Did his father have the means to support him? Did his father want him to be raised by White people? We learn very little about his father, as well. We only learn little bits and pieces of Shane’s memory. We don’t really discover any magical answers in this book, and that is what I had hoped to glean from it, at the end.
I would like to know more about how Shane was able to change his life from one of abuse and perhaps neglect, lies and deceit, to one of successful pursuits. Many young children love and write poetry, but they do not grow up to write poetry or books. Bright, but a poor student, how did he learn so much on his own, if his life was so bereft of real family and education, of real direction and stability? Taken as a toddler, from his father or his mother, I was never quite sure, with so poor a memory of the events, how does one really know the background or the real reasons, the fact or the fantasy? Those are the questions that pursued me on every page.
I hoped that in the end the book would be filled with revelations from a man who was able to finally find his past in his newly discovered, vast store of memories. That, however, was not to be. What did he imagine and what did he really experience? Today, the term White supremacy is thrown around so easily, but was that the real reason for the kidnapping? Is White supremacy simply the rejection of the relationship of his underage mother and her lover? Is White supremacy the kidnapping or the crime? It seems to me that kidnapping is a crime. Was it a kidnapping? Did his mother agree, though his father did not? Were his mother and father married? Perhaps, though far-fetched, his grandparents thought they were rescuing him from a life that would have been precarious and far worse. There are no real answers or definitions to find in this book about all of the questionable incidents and accusations made in the memoir.
The narrative is confusing as it circles back and repeats itself with questions and statements that are not supported with any proof or witnesses. Yet, it is written very lyrically, as the reader is bombarded with his thoughts and allusions to reality, wondering constantly what to believe and what to disbelieve. This book needs to be read very slowly and perhaps more than once…or at least the page has to be reread before it is turned. The message seems intimate, if not explicit. Shane’s memory is tentative, unsure and speculative. His references to being bullied because of his race confounded me a bit because there were no real descriptions of incidents that seemed any different than your garden variety bullying of any kid by bullies. Sadly, so many children are bullied by tyrants in their schools, tyrants that the teachers and administrators seem to allow to move about with abandon and without facing consequences. My own brother was often bullied at school because of his small size and frail appearance. My daughter was bullied by nasty girls in high school. Kids are not always nice, but is it always racism?
In contrast to all of the accusations intimated, my son, in kindergarten, brought home a friend. The friend was the only child of color in his class. He did not even speak a word of English. He was welcomed by us, as was his mother. We all mourned when they moved since he was his dearest friend, at that time. My daughter’s roommate in college was a beautiful, young woman of color. They chose to remain roommates. Color, language, etc., had no bearing on the respect given on both sides of this equation. White supremacy was not even a germ in any of our thoughts.
Perhaps the conclusion at the end of this book would serve the reader better if instead of dividing us by color, it united us. Shane is successful. His life is far better than others who are of different backgrounds, races, religions, etc. Wouldn’t it be better to applaud his achievements, and those who made it possible, not only in the acknowledgments, but on the pages of the book?
There is a saying, “don’t look back in anger”, and I think perhaps it would be better if we all followed that advice and faced the future hopefully and with an eye to being happy and content.